One evening
my son Eli was visiting his grandparents, and he was playing an
after-supper game of "Go Fish" with his Nanny. Apparently, he
was in the lead, and had more "books" than his grandmother did.
He laughed gleefully and told her, "Hey Nan... looks like I'm
gonna wipe your butt!!" I believe Nanny was somewhat stunned
for a moment, until she realized what Eli intended to
say!
By simply changing the vowel sound from a long "i" to a short
one, my five-year- old would have said what he truly meant-- he
was gonna WHIP his grandmother's butt! His mistake made for a
more amusing card game, though... and if you've ever played "Go
Fish" you know that any diversion at all can only improve that
somewhat tedious game.
The slang that we use can make comprehending our language an
even greater task. I remember one child misunderstanding a song
that was popular a few years ago. A country duo named "Brooks
and Dunn" had a hit song called "Boot-Scootin' Boogie". I don't
know a single person from Maine who had ever heard of such a
dance... we just aren't big "boogiers" up here, I guess. And so
it was conceivable when the little girl tried to substitute a
more understandable and well-know phrase for the unknown
southern one. She thought the pair sang "and do the poop-scoopin'
boogie".
Now that dance, I've done!!
Sometimes it is lack of hearing that causes miscommunication. I
recall reading a true story of a doctor who was examining an
elderly woman who was hard of hearing. As he leaned down to put
his stethoscope to her chest to listen to her lung sounds, he
said, "Big breath!" Instead, she gave a little sigh, and
responded, "They used to be!"
At a family reunion, I was chattering away, speaking to a
distant in-law that I'd only just met. The sunlight reflected
off a speckle of spray from my mouth, and I leaned forward and
apologetically put my hand on the old man's shoulder. "Did I
spit on you?" I asked. He grinned and patted his knee. "Sure!"
he replied. "Just be gentle with me!"
Getting back to our language... I have some propositions to
make. Let's make it easier to learn, and easier to teach.
Words that are spelled similarly shall rhyme. Words like geese
and cheese, and hoof and spoof. If the past tense of "think" is
"thought", then the past tense of drink should be drought. Sit,
sat... hit, hat. Wouldn't it be simpler that way? And no more
of this "spelled the same but pronounced differently" hoopla!
"Dove" should either rhyme with "love" or "stove", but not
both! And "live" should either sound like "hive" OR "give".
Take the "e" off it if you want to say "I liv in Lexington."
That would be less confusing! "The duv dove into the river"
would work for me!
Another improvement I think we could make to the English
language would be this.... If there is a rule, no exceptions to
it will be allowed! What good is a rule if it's only enforced
47% of the time? Do you know what my kids would do to me, what
our household would be like, if I constantly made exception to
their rules? Wouldn't they be confused if I said "You can't
play in the road, except if it's misting, or breezy, or it’s
during the second full moon of the year." Kayoss wood rane,
if I made exceptions like that! No, by golly, if there is a
rule that says " 'i' before 'e,'" then that should be the end of
it! None of this "except after 'c'"; and it certainly
shouldn't be re-qualified into even greater specifics after
that!
And finally, each letter of our alphabet should have one sound
and one sound only. It should be 'g' as in Grover, or 'g' as in
George. The letter 'h' should either be silent, or not. And if
it is silent, let's get rid of it, since its contribution
is negligible. (Please notice... each 'g' in that word makes a
different sound!!)
